Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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