I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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