Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
