What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
