and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
