Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize