he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize