why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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