His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
