If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
