i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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