I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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