No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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