Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
