If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize