you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
