Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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