You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
