Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
