There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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