You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
What a dumb baby whore.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
