Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
