Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize