someone owes me an orgasm
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
