you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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