Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
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