He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
