I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
