wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
