I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
