Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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