Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
