Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
