Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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