is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
