She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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