I wish I could teleport
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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