Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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