end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
