He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
