Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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