Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
