where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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