you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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