Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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