someone threw a dead crab at me
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
