I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
