What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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