grandma shit on top of the toilet
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
