My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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