meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
