Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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