btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
