I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
