The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
