You don't have asthma, your pregnant
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
