Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
