Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
