Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
