I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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