i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
